While self-love may sound somewhat narcissistic, I think it is probably the primary reason we are here. While on this earth we need to learn how to self-validate because it is so very difficult to do. When we can really honour ourselves, we can truly honour others.
What I mean by self-love is really self-esteem, self-respect and self-validation. I think the words are all interchangeable. When we can stand firmly on our own ground and don’t get knocked off our centre too often then we have self-esteem. We will not take another’s abuse in any form and will assertively and respectfully tell them so. We can also start to hold others’ criticism at arm’s length to examine its veracity before swallowing and internalising it, and generally making ourselves less all because someone else thinks differently.
We all secretly, or not so secretly for me, crave external validation, it soothes our brain. The biggest part of our brain, our unconscious continually works to feel safe and ensure our survival, and validation gives it at least a temporary feeling of safety. What seems grossly unfair, is that our brain’s wiring seems to works against self-love and self-validation until we understand why it works the way it does.
There are three primary reasons for this dichotomy. The first comes from the way we form attachments. In order to thrive as tiny infants, we are always looking at our mother or caregiver to seek reassurance and connection. Later as we learn to crawl and toddle we look to our mothers to check how we are progressing and the whole growing up process is a continual looking to others for validation. As we get to school we look to our parents, our teachers and our friends, later in high school we look more towards our peer group for validation. The bad news is that this validation depends on how others view us and their views influence how we view ourselves. We are effectively handing our power to others. We sink or thrive depending on what others think so our self-esteem is very fragile and can be easily knocked. This is hardly ideal as it can have a huge influence on our moods and state of mind, one minute we are up and buoyant and the next down and feeling depressed.
The second difficulty obstructing our path to self-esteem and self-validation again comes from our unconscious which pays huge attention to criticism as that heralds potential danger. We quickly develop an inner critic that seems to be forever on our shoulder telling us we are stupid, incompetent, inadequate and all those adjectives that we use to describe ourselves. Unfortunately, most of us do not seem to be able to curtail our inner critic. And because it is coming from the most powerful part of our brain it is very insistent and strong. To reduce its power, we need to acknowledge that it is trying to keep us safe but that it is also acting as a powerful self-saboteur. We need to engage our neo-cortex, the more advanced thinking part of our brain, to evaluate if what our inner critic is saying has validity and how much attention we need to take of it.
The next difficulty is that our neo-cortex takes a lot of energy to engage and our unconscious doesn’t want to expend that energy because it might need it to protect our life from some marauding tiger that could be lurking around the corner and wants to have us for supper. That might have been a threat in the past but is unlikely to be a threat now. All this becomes a bit of a catch twenty-two. We need to become aware of our thoughts, so the unconscious has less power to determine what threat external factors have to our existence. This then enables our thinking neo-cortex to take over and increase our ability to determine if what our inner critic and others have to say or don’t say is the truth. That takes hard work and constant vigilance to monitor our thoughts and override those that are not helpful. With practise it becomes easier. We feel more grounded, safer and surer of ourselves.
What I am learning on this journey is that to self-validate also means we have to become self-aware, becoming mindful when we are disturbed by something or somebody and spend time in self-reflection. Unfortunately, it is not about blaming the other person or circumstance, which is my default position, but thinking about what it is prompting in me, because it is here to tell me or teach me something. Looking at it - however painful - with curiosity and detachment as a teacher.
The gains of doing this work are immeasurable. We feel more grounded, safer and surer of ourselves. To be the best we can be we need the confidence that comes from strong self-esteem and self-respect.